LITTLE MOTHER - Kupu kupu
(Notes: 1. written for my mother in Jakarta in January 2006 when I was unable to attend her funeral. 2. while its not a brilliant poem (perhaps it's more of a song) and is hampered by the rhyming form, it expresses the feelings I still have about her passing and the strangeness of not officially farewelling her).
Where are you now little mother
Where have you
gone?
Are you floating
about in the ether
Are you feeling
happy and strong
Where are you now
my best mum
Where can you be?
When will you be
sending a message to me?
Are you up in the
clouds looking down
Are you drifting
on an airstream
Just wandering around
Are you waving at
me madly only I can’t see
That you’re
standing right in front of me?
Where are you now
little mother?
Where are you now?
Did you see me in
my kost room getting the call
That you’d
finally decided to leave us all
When my watch
stopped dead in middle of the night
Was that you
telling me you’d be alright
Did you see my
tears, my disbelief
Knew you had to
go, but did you have to leave?
Where are you now
little mother?
Did you see me
jump in a taxi next day
To go to the
Chinese temple to pray
In a klenteng full of smoke and incense
Little mother did
it make any sense
To pray to
ceramic buddhas in that way?
Where are you now
little mother?
And with some friends
we prayed to Allah
And others back
home doing all kinds of mantra
Did it make any
difference
Or was that just
for us
To feel like we were making some kind of fuss
Cos little mother
you didn’t care for religious stuff
Like heavens and hells and all that guff
Your life was a
hell, you told us often enough
Have you left
that hell behind little mother?
And did you see
me smsing my kids on the day
They waved as your coffin slowly drove away
They waved as your coffin slowly drove away
Did you follow
the hearse to the crematorium
Or were you already far, far, away gone?
But where to little mother?
And do you watch
me in this Jakarta town
Is that you
following me around
As I ride in
taxis, walk the street
Greeted by
everyone I meet
Hello Mrs, Hello
Mr
Dari mana, where
you from
Where you going,
what you doing
Please sit down
Have a drink
You like our
country, what you think?
Were you sitting
with me then, little mother
As we compared
notes with one another
And were you
touched, little mother
Just like me
By their warm
generosity?
And little mother
do you hear the morning prayer
As it cuts
through the cool morning air
And the morning
sellers as they come
Loudly
proclaiming to everyone
Roti Roti Roti
Roti Roti
Dong dong dong,
dong dong dong
Dong dong dong
dong, dong dong
Ding ding ding
tok tok tok
And it’s still
only 6 o’clock
The bubur man on
his motor bike
Like a frog
croaking in the night
Bubur bubur ayam
bubur
Bubur bubur ayam
bubur
Then all the
women coming out
Like Mary
Magdelenes so devout
Their beauty
framed by colours strong
As they
gracefully walk along
And men on motor
bikes taking kids to school
Can you see it
little mother
Can you see it
all?
And out into the
macet
To be carried
away
On the sea of
moving metal
As they do
everyday
Just to get to
work, to get their meagre pay
And under the
tall freeway pylons
Tired mothers,
sick babes in arms
Tap at car
windows hopefully
To move someone
with their mournful plea
Can you help them
little mother?
Can you help
them?
And so on and on
into the day
And everyone
still finds time to pray
On and on, to the
mall
Where Ibu Ibu
meet to tell all
Where you can swish
about in luxury
Safe from the
seething human sea
Tell me little
mother can you see it too?
Can you see the
buses full
Can you see the
bajais spluttering
In the sky, tiny
kites fluttering
Little boys hold
the string
Way down in the
in the crowded kampong
As if to say
One day I will
fly
Fly away above
this place
To a sky so free
and spacious
Is that like you
little mother?
Is that like you?
And when the sky
turns blazing red
And all good
children are in bed
And when the
night begins to fall
Do you see them,
do you see them all
All the night
workers waking up
Just in time for
evening prayer
Before they go to
work 'out there'
To make a dollar
in a crowded bar
Accompanying bule
flown in from afar
To ride the sex
world underground
Where you can
taste anything you please
Russian, Korean,
Japanese
And satisfaction
will be yours for sure
Just leave your
wallet at the door
Did you see them
little mother did you see?
Did you see the
muso’s trundling home
From their five star hotel
gigs?
Artists, writers
talking late
In crowded cafes
on the street
Pece lele, soto
ayam
All night at the
roadside warung
And finally
catching a bluebird home..
Were you with me
as we took the toll again
How many miles
have I travelled alone
Speeding into a
night that stretches so far
Lights of
apartment buildings rising tall
Out of low tin
house swamps with kerosene lamp
Breathing bodies rest in a corner of damp
And the
glittering lights of the mall never go out
Promising that
one day you can have it all
Do you think so
little mother?
Do you think so?
And did you see
me little mother,
Shaking in my bed
When I thought
the roof would come crashing in on my head
As the sky
cracked and groaned in an angry roar
And the heavens
above started to pour
Washing the sins
of the city away
Into drains and
canals, like a lava flow
And with it every
bit of plastic that will go
Where does it go,
little mother
Do you know?
And did you come
with me across the strait
Arriving at the
tinkling gate
Of the favorite Bali isle
Did you fly above
the crowded street
As the cremation
procession wound its way
At the temple did
you see
Two old ladies of
royalty
Placed in their
sarcophagi
The proud black
bulls standing tall
As fires were lit
at their feet
And slowly flames
began to creep
And lick and burn
and leap up high, into the cloudy Ubud sky
And did you see
the bodies start to appear,
Blackened skin
and stringy hair
Tough and
stubborn, strong as leather
Was that how they
went through their life together
And little
mother, did your body burn like this
Or was it over
all too quick
With just a
workman standing there
Scratching his
crotch and then his hair
And in a jiffy
you were done
Into the grinder,
here comes another one?
I’m sorry little
mother I wasn’t there, to carry you all the way to the end
But then little
mother you never were one, to stand on formal ceremony
You would have said:
“Heavens don’t
bother with any of that
For god sakes I’ll be dead!”
But that’s the
trick I can’t quite get
Because now
you’re gone
Your presence
seems stronger
Is it true little
mother, is it you little mother:
The tiny kitten
on my door mat, was that you little mother
The finches on
the window pane
That come to visit again and again
The butterflies in the sawa, I've never noticed them before
But I met a man who opened my eyes
To all the glorious kupu kupu
Are you that man?
How can that be?
But perhaps you
sent this man to me
Because he is
excited just like you
About birds and
butterflies and all wild flowers
And he can talk
for hours and hours and never miss a single beat
As he strides the
paddies in his gnarled bare feet
And as we walked and
as we talked I started to see you everywhere
I realised you’d
come back to earth as quickly as you'd left us here.
Flitting about
every flower as always was your wont.
There you were in
many colours, many patterns on your wings,
Dancing, prancing
in front of me, then disappearing on a whim.
I feel you
mother, everywhere, flapping on the wind
You are the wind,
you are the rain, you are every little seed.
You are all
around me little mother
You are on every
breeze
Your arms around
me, little mother
Your arms around
me tight
I know you are a
butterfly flapping in the night.
I know your life
is over, just when it’s begun
And you roll into
your cocoon again
And come back as
another one.
And you fill the
air with butterflies of every single shade
And I feel you
mother, on my skin
Like the moment I
was made
By you, little
mother
By you
Stay close little
mother
I’m here little
mother
Be near little
mother
My strong little
mother
Kupu kupu.
(Jakarta 2006).
